(This was first published in 2009)

This is going to be cheesy.

Years ago, with my beat up car sidelined due to its frequent breakdowns, I rode the bus on my way home from the office. It was crowded. People were standing along the aisle and squeezing into every inch of space available. It was uneventful until the television flashed a breaking news. Kris Aquino was giving a live and exclusive interview regarding her much publicized separation with Joey Marquez (I told you, this is going to be cheesy). Hell broke loose when she admitted that she allegedly contacted a sexually transmitted disease from her ex-paramour. Suddenly the bus was filled with murmurs and gasps. But this is not what caught my attention. What struck me most was when Kris said she had wanted everything, but she cannot.

It was not only as a statement of fact. It was an admission and acceptance of this fact.

There are numerous instances when inspite of our efforts and sacrifices we fall short of our expectations or things do not work out. We study hard, yet we fail. We apply for a job, but others got accepted. We love someone but they end up marrying or being with somebody else.

I have a friend who is single. He is successful, with a good job, car, his own pad, and with a number of gorgeous friends (ehem, talking of birds with the same feather). He once attended a wedding. Much to his chagrin, all his classmates who attended are now all married. Some even with kids. Expectedly, he got all the ribbing for being single, as if he has committed a capital offense.

He is usually comfortable with the status of being successful and single. But there are times when the ceaseless hammering of the married community gets to his nerve and causes him re-examine his life.

Folks, there is no need to rub it in. I think single people are more inclined to regular circumspection. The world around us was built for couples. Try to book a room in any hotel and resort and you will find out that the price for a room would be the same whether you are alone or with someone else! See table settings in any restaurant and they are usually set for two. The reminder of the solitude is at every corner.

My friends and I, being normal gorgeous single human beings (sorry, I can’t help but squeeze it in), also have our habitual sessions of self-examination. We would usually start wishing that the status in our Friendster or Facebook pages would eventually evolve from “single” to “dating,” “it’s complicated,” “in a relationship,” or “married” (Hopefully in that order, but not necessarily). We would recall our past dates, escapades, passionate moments and then just sigh.

Then there would be a spirited discussion on how unhappy some of the married couples we know, that some of them cannot even join us for wine or coffee since they have to tend to their kids and/or their husband or wife (because not all are married). Talk of getting even. We then list all the things we could do because we are single… like drinking even at weeknights, learning scuba diving, going to Boracay to relax and show our wares and a number of things which married couples would seldom have time to do. Stripped of personal biases, married people would have to admit that this is true.

In one of our discussions, it was theorized that we remained single because we are unable to let go of “good life” as we know it. We are so much free spirited that we subconsciously consider a relationship as something that would restrict our activities. This sounds like a lame rationalization, but there is a certain degree of truth in this.

But then, there would be nights of empty bed and lonesome dinners … and one would have to wonder.

Even after bashing those who take pleasure in maligning our being single and after rationalizing our reasons for being single, the reality of being alone is difficult but not insurmountable. It is conceded, there are basic human needs (like sex and companionship) and activities (like playing chess or badminton) that would require a partner to be fulfilled.

Given such admission, I believe that in order to endure and thrive, not just survive, acceptance must come with realization. Like Kris Aquino, most people just cannot have everything. Married people may have the warmth of a family life, but after few years, they may need the freedom to achieve personal growth. Relationship, to a certain degree, limits one’s capacity to be spontaneous, adventurous and free spirited. On the other hand, the exact opposite may also true to single people. All the wall climbing, scuba diving, gym classes, parties and hot sex may not be enough to satisfy the void created by being unattached.

I have come to terms with my realities. The day I accepted the fact that I cannot have everything was the day I was liberated from the shackles of regrets and, then, went on making the most of what I have. The icing on the case was, I realized not just that I have more than what I need to survive on my own, but there so much more in me waiting to be shared. And so, I share… even just my thoughts.

Post Script

This was first written in 2009. From that time, a friend of mine said that we CAN have everything, but NOT at the same time. I think this is a refinement of my 3^rd ethos. As Albert Einstein said: “The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When singles congregate, conversations usually take an inevitable detour to lamentations on past and present relationships or hopes for a better one. Having been gifted with many friends who are equally gifted with colorful relationships, I can say that I have become a repository of accounts of blissful (and enviable) events in their relationships (some of them unprintable, lest I be charged with offending public morals) and, of course, melodramatic stories that would give the Kapuso and the Kapamilya channels a run for their money.

Few years back, while I driving home in my old beat up Toyota Corola – which I have now replaced with a newer car, I had a frantic call from a friend. Answering my cell phone, I heard a sobbing voice. Alarmed, I had to stop driving in one of the many alleys near UST. The story is something that I had already heard before. But then, I again listened to my friend’s wailing on the pitfalls of her seemingly unrequited love. And to help ease the pain, I joined her in the customary cursing of love and lovers (“Pu**** inang pag-ibig yan”).

After the huffs and the puffs and the endless asking of “why is this happening to me” and “what more can I do,” I tried to give my perspective. Cynical and pragmatic as I am, I told her that if things are not working out, then why not end all the misery. Of course, she had all of the reasons she can think of to justify going on with the relationship and risking her sanity and self-worth. At the end of the conversation which, as I earlier said sounds like a dialogue in telenovela, she will almost always conclude that enough is enough. Or at times, accept the situation as it is, without any complaint, all for the sake of love.

And for a few days or weeks, there would be an eerie silence. All would quiet… until the next phone call.

After listening to the same story again and again, at time I would say to my friend: “There are no victims here.” Not that my friend portrayed herself as victim (she is more than capable of whacking anyone that cross her path). I would say this to underscore the fact that she had a choice. As I have a choice. And as we all have choices.

A lot of people go into “get-rich-quick” schemes knowing fully well that the promised return on investments can only mean that these are pyramid scams. And yet when the investment goes sour, they yell, “I have been had.” Others enter into impossible relationships with open eyes but deluding themselves by believing that their paramours will eventually leave their boyfriends or girlfriends (or husbands or wives, as the case may be). And then again, when the promises turn to dust, we hear cries of “traitors”.

I have always believed that our predicaments in the past and in the present are products of our choices. I do not judge the correctness of the choices that others make, I only ascribe responsibility.

True, there are many factors which affect our choices. Personal strengths and weaknesses, dictates of the community, concerns for our family. The considerations are too many. But in the end, all these would bow down and give way to our own decisions.

Perhaps to a certain degree some of my friends would be hesitant in sharing with me some of their experiences, thinking that I would not be able to sympathize or, worse, that I would blame them for their woes. I will always be a solace for my friends. I will always give comfort when needed. But as a true friend, I will always share with them my thoughts, as I am doing now, with the hope that our understanding of life and love would be immensely enriched.

I guess, what I am trying to say is that we have to celebrate our inherent and inalienable right and power to make choices by being responsible for our decisions.

P.S.

My friend eventually ditched her “ex” to the gutters, found and lost new loves, turned down suitors, and broke others’ heart for a change. But through it all, she is not the type who would take the role of a helpless victim… only the role of a drama queen, perhaps.

P.S.

This was first posted in 2009. From the time this was posted, I have evolved from a “cynical and pragmatic” Mike to a “hopeful” Migs… I became like my friend “in love with the idea of love”…yeeeeee.

“Ethos” is defined as guiding beliefs of persons, institutions or organizations. In writing this note, I do not claim to speak a gospel truth but only to attempt, albeit feebly, to immortalize my thoughts.

Whenever my friends and I find ourselves discussing the trivial, mundane and even earthshaking experiences in life, I inevitably and almost always tell them three things.

First, there should be “No Regrets, No Apologies,” “No excuses” for the PERSONAL choices we make.

Second, “there are no victims here.”

And third, “We cannot have everything.”

These are products not only of my personal experiences, but also of the tremendous amount of times we spent drinking red wine to vent frustrations and heart aches and to celebrate our hard earned victories. To repeat my caveat, this is no gospel truth.

Life is too short. A day of conversation about life and living would not be complete without this much ballyhooed statement. But the unending incantation and reference to this cliché does not make it less truthful. Unappreciated, perhaps; but, not less real.

Life being short, therefore, makes regrets and apologies a colossal waste of effort and time. When I say not regretting or apologizing, I specifically refer to the personal choices we make. Choices that primarily concern our lives and ourselves.

The status of being single, in a relationship, married, separated in fact, or annulled is a matter of choice. Turning down an ardent suitor, breaking up with a partner, or staying married for the kids is a personal decision.

More often than not, we are gifted with impossible choices that no matter how prudent and deliberate we made our decisions, the desired and anticipated results are found wanting.

Sometimes people say goodbye to a love one after years of struggle hoping to eventually move on and forget. But after years of assiduous effort, to no avail. Should there be regret? Absolutely not! Perhaps, it should be realized that loneliness is better than having a democles sword hanging over your head waiting for it to eventually drop and decapitate your head.

Never regretting does not mean not committing mistakes. Next to taxes and death, making mistake is another thing which we cannot avoid in life. Looking back, the mistakes I have committed far more exceed my age or the number of my fingers and toes. I never regretted any of them. True, we could have made better, if not correct, choices. But what we are now is by and large a product of the choices we made, whether right or wrong, mistake or not. Our imperfection makes us different.

I have once read that mistakes are those actions from which we learn nothing. Being hurt teaches us to be more careful next time, should there be a next time. Surely, learning is enough reason never to regret.

Our decisions affect others. In fact, they can hurt others. Terribly. When a personal decision is made without any intention to offend, annoy, hurt and inflict pain to the people around us, but did annoy, hurt or pain other, no apology should be required for the ruffled feathers.

But there is no excuse for an action that will surely trample or offend others (like cheating with your friends bf). One cannot hide behind the shadow of “personal choice” if he pursues an action knowing he will break a relationship or hasten its demise. This is plain callousness.

I once went home to the province for a short vacation. Upon arrival, my mother immediately told me that a friend of mine was pregnant. No husband in sight. Of course, in a little town such as ours, this was considered as scandalous. Little did my mother know that before my friend got pregnant, she asked my advise about it. And true to my being an open and liberal minded person, I told her to just do it and others be damned. She made a personal choice to bear a child. Of course, her mother was initially pained seeing her only daughter undergo pregnancy, give birth and raise a child without a husband. But every time I meet my friend and her child -my godson, I never heard her regret or apologize for the decision she made.

I have made a lot of personal choices in my life.

To the dismay of my mother, I chose to go to law school and stay here in the Philippines rather than go to the United States. All my classmates who migrated are now earning loads of dollars. But I do not regret or apologize.

I decided to stay in my present job notwithstanding my constant griping. As an unforeseen reward, I was able to travel and see the Europe twice. I experienced the unfettered joy of going on cruise in the Mediterranean and the Mexican Riviera. Clearly, no regrets and no apologies in here.

I have chosen to trust and let go. To this point, I am single – not by circumstance but by choice. Because of this, I have learned to love myself more and enjoy my family and friends.

Innumerable are the personal choices I made. As I said, some good, most could have been better. But I do not apologize or regret my personal choices.

- to be continued –

(This was first posted in Facebook on Tuesday, February 10, 2009 at 7:41pm)

 

No. 1 – Charlie’s Burger (16 East Kapitolyo Drive, Pasig City) – Try the double-patty Angus burger. It is tender, juicy and tasty, the way a burger should be. Smother your burger with all-the-mayo you want and you will have one of the best tasking burgers in town. On the side, you can shower your fries with malt vinegar. If you’re feeling a bit more hungry, try the buffalo wings.

 I miss the days when, after work out at Fitness First Megamall, the Mega Mafia would head to Charlies and reward themselves with sinful but delicious burgers, fries and buffalo wings. A second branch is now open at RONAC Building, Ortigas Avenue, San Juan. But, nothing beats the hole-in-the-wall ambiance of the original branch at Bo. Kapitolyo. (For the map and directions to the Kapitolyo branch click: http://visitpinas.com/map-charlies-grind-and-grill-charlies-burger/ )

No. 2 – C.B.D. Cheesesteaks Burger and Drinks (Ayala Triangle) – The ambiance, feel and color motif of CBD reminds me of New York City’s Shake Shack Burger. CBD’s burger is also tender. But it is less juicy and fatty than Charlie’s burger. I guess, this is the reason why Charlie’s burger is more tasty. Like Shake Shake, CBD serves beer of different kinds. (For the map and directions to the Ayala Triangle click: http://directionsonweb.blogspot.com/2011/01/how-to-get-to-ayala-triangle-gardens.html )

No. 3 – Army Navy (Valero Branch, with several branches nationwide). Most convenient from my office at Citibank Center. They too have a double patty burger. Juicier than CBD Burger but not as tasty as Charlie’s Burger. If you are in need to protein, try their Bully Burger, guaranteed to make you full with 3 big patties. The Valero branch is so small though that a long line forms during lunch breaks. Better go before or after 12 noon to be able to enjoy and savor their burger. (Army Navy branches: Tagaytay – (046) 483-3333; Glorietta 5 – 501-3106 ; La Salle – 526-5252; Sky Garden – 332-5644; Dela Rosa – 836-3333; Commerce Ave – 403-9968; Harbour Square – 403-8080; Emerald Ave – 570-8181; Tomas Morato – 352- 3333; BF Homes – 519-9999)

Other burgers that I love and miss. I love the Angus Burger of Melo’s Steakhouse but it is too pricey like Malcolm’s Wagyu Burger (range is about P400.00 to P500.00 for a single patty burger). But if you have money to spare, go ahead and indulge. On the other side of the spectrum, I miss Hungry Hippo Burger with its sweeter than usual patties. Decidedly catered to fit Filipino taste. I also miss Hot Shots Burger, especially their Wasabe Burger.

A few days ago, my friend Wendy posted at Facebook that she is contemplating of booking a flight to Neverland. I know that Neverland is the mythical place of Peter Pan and  Tinkerbel and where you never grow old. Pressing the “Like” button, I wonder to myself, “where is my Neverland?”

God answered my question last Saturday.

Few years ago, as a freshman at UP Manila, I stayed for a year the Pope Pius Catholic Center along UN Avenue, Manila. Across, Pope Pius is Asilo San Vicente de Paul. For a year, I would pass by Asilo San Vicente de Paul almost everyday, but I never knew what goes inside the seemingly old, eerie and dowdy structure. Not that I cared, anyways. And so for years, I have forgotten the place, never curious, never expecting to see it again. Until….

 

 

Few weeks ago, another friend – Peter Tongco (Not Peter Pan) – invited us for his birthday party at the Asilo San Vicente de Paul. He has been doing this for quite some time now. “A day with some kids,” Peter, said.

I hate waking up early during weekends. Weekends has becomes sacrosanct for me. But, I gladly woke up early this time, and met with another friend, Gus, as he is not familiar with the area. From McDonalds UN Avenue, we hailed a cab and proceeded to Asilo San Vicente de Paul.

Nothing has changed from the outside. Asilo San Vicente de Paul looks the same when I first saw it as a provinciano freshman. Entering the gate, the first thing that greeted us was the statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary with rays emanating from her outstretched hands. At the backdrop is what appears to be main building and the entrance. The guard told us to proceed inside.

We knew that we are at the right place upon seeing a blackboard with cheerful drawings of a sun, a tree, plants and butterflies and brightly saying “Welcome Sir Peter Tongco, Family and Friends.” Heading further inside, I saw Peter, new faces and old friends, including Marl whom I not seen since we ran in Singapore almost a year ago. Then, I noticed the seemingly nervous and excited kids seated on both sides of a large hall. Ever organized, I was handed by Pee Jay with an ID which says “ako si kuya Migs.”

Then the program started. As a welcome, the kids proceeded infront for a song number. I cannot remember the lyrics and the melody. But I clearly remember holding back my tears as I take some photos. They were singing about being a family or welcoming us to theirs. A gamut of emotions assaulted me at the same time. I cannot describe how it felt, but all I know I is that I was so glad and happy to be there and I would wholehearted miss the gym or some run for another opportunity to be back.

 

Then we had games. The “kuyas” and the “ates” were divided into four teams, depending on the color of their ID strings. The kids were then divided and assigned to the black, yellow, blue and green team. We played several games staring with “champorado and sabaw” game, where the each group would have to do some action – mixing for champorado and drinking for sabaw- every time Peter would say the word. Then, we played “Paint Me” which brought out the creativity of each teams (my black team tied with the blue team).  Competition heated up when we played “Arrange yourselves according to…” game (which my team lost).  The last to be played was the “bring me” game. All throughout these activities, all the “kuyas” and the “ates” gamely participated and had so much fun with the kids. We were like kids at Neverland.

I have been partying, drinking, and going to the beach and gym with Peter, Pee Jay, Gus, Tyler, Jong, Norman, John, Jason, Jerky, Daemon, and Philip, and I was pleasantly surprised to know that they are not just good at being friends, but they are equally good in being “kuyas” as well.

Time runs fast when you’re having fun. And before we knew it, it was already noon. While waiting for the food to arrive, the kids gladly sowed us their dancing skills. When one of the kids was dancing, his worn out slipper broke. Everybody laughed, including me. But, as I would later on learn, a poignant reality set in not just on me but also on my other friends. We had similar thought: they cannot even afford to buy a new pair of slippers.

McDonalds was served as lunch. With all the fun we had, a mascot was clearly not needed. After lunch, we distributed gifts, some of which were contributed by Peter’s friends.  Before the program, Peter received, what I think is the greatest gift for his birthday, a simple certificate expressing the gratitude of Asilo San Vicente de Paul and the kids who were present that day.

As we left Asilo San Vicente de Paul, I thought of how the faces of the kids lit up when they receive their gifts. It gives me a feeling of fulfillment. But I had this nagging feeling that they gave us more than what we had given them.

I think I found Neverland at Asilo San Vicente de Paul. But unlike Peter Pan’s Neverland where the kids never grow up, this Neverland does not only bring out the “kids” in us, but also reminds us the responsibility of being grown ups.

No single persona dominates the realm of Filipino consciousness today more than Kris Aquino. The fascination on the youngest child of Ninoy and Cory Aquino, which was rekindled after People Power I, thanks to Mother Lily, has never waned since then. Aided by television, she enters our homes everyday and even on weekends, becoming part of our everyday lives. In the process and as a consequence of this welcomed intrusion, Filipinos, with the feeling of entitlement, expected to know every minute detail of her life, love and lost. The media, which is both her ally and natural nemesis, caters to this sense of entitlement and made her a daily tabloid fodder.

Attempts to extricate myself from this phenomenon failed miserably. I feel like a helpless moth drawn to the fire, an addict, who along the way to recovery, always succumbs to his addiction.

Perhaps, on a personal level, this is explained by the fact that we belong to the same generation. We are contemporaries. My success and failure in life would be measured against hers, being the most visible person of my generation. I will surely never equal her triumphs, but my tribulations would be mine alone and hidden from the public eyes.

My first Kris Aquino moment happened years ago when she parted with a much older basketball player in national television. Cerebral as I am, I managed to draw an invaluable lesson for the incident – that we cannot have everything. Rich, beautiful and intelligent, she wanted to have it all. But, there are things in life that she cannot have. This has become one of my ethos or core beliefs in life, which guides me today, making my life more livable. Nothing new really, it just took a Kris Aquino to indelibly stamp it in my head.

And when I thought I had seen the last of the Kris Aquino saga, I was proven wrong. Years ago, on the eve of the anniversary of the EDSA People Power I celebration, which catapulted her mother to the presidency, a new scandal broke out involving her basketball player husband and another woman. This shoved the EDSA story out of the headlines. In a sense, I saw incident coming, as she perhaps did. But I refused to acknowledge it probably because I subconsciously thought that a happy ending in her life would eventually give a happy ending to mine.

Of course there were denials. But with the little that I know, I agree with the comment made by Boy Abunda that if the other woman was stalking her, why return to where she works on a regular basis.

Months ago, I saw a movie about Frida Kahlo, a well known Mexican painter, with Salma Hayek in the lead role. The movie traced the life of Frida, the major events in her life that influenced her painting, her beginning as an artist, and her tumultuous relationship and marriage to Diego Rivera, a famous Mexican muralist. Diego Rivera was an incorrigible philanderer, his doctor declared that he was “unfit for monogamy.” In the movie, when Frida confronted Diego about his infidelity, Diego said that he can be faithful to Frida but he cannot be monogamous. In other words, stripped to its bare essentials, Diego told Frida that he will love only her but he will continue with his liaisons with other women.

For me, this begs the question, isn’t being faithful an integral part of love?

While waiting for a delayed flight in Cebu International Airport years ago, I happened to meet a former schoolmate. Catching up with what had happened since law school, she told me that she was about to get married. Excitedly, she showed me the picture of her soon-to-be husband. Hmhmhm. Not bad. In fact, a good catch. I chided her that he looks like a “chickboy.” This led to a spirited discussion on expectations about marriage life, the challenges, the anxiety. One of the topics we discussed was fidelity. And what floored me was her admission that the possibility of her soon-to-be-husband philandering has already been considered and that, this notwithstanding, she did not seem to consider this as a major factor. In a sense, there was a feeling of resignation on her part.

It is hard to set absolutes in life. Even on the matter of faithfulness and fidelity. Some people I know would let go of a relationship on the very first instance of infidelity. Others would say it would depend on many factors and would be willing to give an erring partner another chance. How many times? Kris Aquino had this covered. She said, it’s a day to day decision.

Humans are not immune to temptations. Men, as often been said, are by nature polygamous. Maybe to the truly repentant, forgiveness, or, for some, tolerance is in order. But limits must be set. And enforced. I have a friend who caught his partner cheating. In the name of love (some would say stupidity), the first transgression was forgiven with a warning that the next one would spell the doom of the budding relationship. And so when the second one happened, he walked out and never looked back because he knew this will happen again. Battling with nature is difficult, if not, a lost cause.

Jerry Springer is not my favorite show. It is cheesy and vulgar. But I once saw an interesting episode when a caller asked whether she should leave her philandering husband. Jerry Springer replied with an unnerving truth. He said, “when your partner cheated, he already left.”

Indeed, how can you leave someone who was already not there?

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22 March 2009
Aboard KLM Flight
To Prague

I was trying to be okay, or at least pretending to feel fine, until I read your message telling me that you were crying because I was leaving. I never realized the enormity of my sadness, until then. Suddenly, it was as if I cannot breathe, I felt a heavy load on my chest and a lump on my throat. With all the pretense gone, I told Cheryl, my officemate and travel companion, how I felt. Hahahahaha. She, replied with a laugh, telling me that a few years ago, another friend of ours, Jules, also suddenly burst into tears out of loneliness in the middle of our Caribbean Cruise. Indeed, if we are known by the company we keep, then I am in the company of romantic people – in love with the idea of love.

The two small bottles of Chardonnay from Chile didn’t help. I was forcing myself to sleep to lull away the 13 hour trip from Manila to Amsterdam, en route to Prague. The flight attendant may have thought I was a drunkard. But that’s the least of my care. I like wine and the occasion calls for it. Loneliness and alcohol – a perfect combination, all throughout time, regardless of boundaries.

But it was no use. So, I decided to watch a movie instead. Out of the list of movies on the small screen infront of my cramped economy-class seat, jumped out the title of a recently declared Oscars Best Picture – Slumdog Millionaire. Hmhmhmhm. A sucker for quality movie, I am, I decided to watch it. I thought it was a funny comedy film. How wrong I was. A few minutes after the film started, I was already shedding some tears, trying to wipe my face nonchalantly so that others will not notice. Hehehehe. I bet the passenger on my left was thinking I was an OFW leaving my family behind. As the story unfolded, bigger and more copious tears were flowing from my eyes. This time, I no longer care what the lady beside me thought. Heaven’s sake, I was leaving someone behind and I was watching a very good movie about life, brotherhood and, yes, love. I deserve to cry unabashedly.

After clogging my nose, the wine was finally taking its effect. Feeling sleepy, I set my console to listen to music. I chose French songs. I don’t understand a word, but knowing that the French is one of the most romantic people, I bet these are about l’amour. And so I began to doze off, in a vain hope that the wine would take away the longing of you.

- Migs

(Postscript: A year hence, I cried again, at a different airport, in a different trip, for a different reason. But that is another story.)

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